Cruise Ship Comedy (and headlines review)

Remember the cruise ship that was stranded in the Gulf of Mexico last week? Watch this video from Saturday Night Live. This sketch or segment takes place on the cruise ship and shows some of the crew trying to cheer up the passengers. ????What FOUR headlines do they attempt to share with the passengers (beginning @ 1.41)and WHY do they decide not to???? To learn more about Saturday Night Live and their use of comedy and satire, click HERE and HERE.